When Omari asked me to write a guest blog post, I was both humbled and excited! How could I say no? When he offered various topics, I’ll admit that I did not hesitate to jump on this one. Recently after giving some tips to a married friend, she called to thank me and referred to me as the Kama Sutra Queen! LOL! I don’t know if the title is fitting but I know my tips worked.

  It had never occurred to me that having a vision for their sex life was something that was even a possible question for married couples. I assumed that all married couples definitely had a clear, specific and realistic vision for their sex lives. After all, married couples must work much harder than singles at creating and maintaining an exciting and satisfying sex life. When you’re single the scenery changes. Depending on your dating habits it may change quite a bit. But let’s face it; married couples get to look at the same scenery year after year. . . after year. It’s like living in the same house for 60 years. You can accessorize and redecorate as much as you want. However, the foundation, brick and mortar, are all still the same.  Therein lies the rub.

So whether or not a married couple should have a vision for their sex life is not really a question.  Having a vision for your sex life as a married couple is an absolute must! It’s just as important as worshiping together. However, if you wait until you’re married to create that vision with your spouse, newsflash; you’ve waited far too long. The vision for your sex life needs to be created when the courtship goes to the bended knee phase, before you’ve jumped the broom, not after. I know this may seem easier said than done but if you can marry someone creating a healthy sex life with them should be the most organic thing you do.

Where do we start? It’s simple:

Start with transparency and respect. Be honest about your needs, wants, likes, dislikes and curiosities. All of them! Chances are you and your spouse are not turned on/off by exactly the same things. Guess what? That’s okay. Just remember that the vision you create for your sex life needs to include a balance of what turns you both on.

Be flexible. Yes, I mean in both ways. LOL! There’s downward dog flexible then there’s “yes, we can have morning sex” flexible.  Don’t have a mental or emotional list of “shoulds.” Sex SHOULD be this way. We SHOULD have sex at this time of day. We SHOULD have sex this way or that way. Remember that the only SHOULD to focus on is satisfaction and enjoyment for both of you.

Prioritize your sex life, please! Careers, kids, family, friends, lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Everything and anything can get in the way if you let it. Don’t let it! I’m not telling you to pull out your smartphones and synchronize your calendars to schedule sex (unless you’re trying to conceive). However, I am telling you that as a couple you need to decide how much sex you need to have at minimum and stick to it! If 3 times a week is the minimum amount to satisfy you both then make a way

to have sex at least 3 times a week. If you miss your minimum here and there that’s fine. But the longer you go without coming together sexually the wider that divide gets. This is not the marriage you want.

Be realistic. If you both have busy careers and a load of other responsibilities then chances are you won’t be swinging from the chandelier everyday. Guess what? That only happens in porn and if you’re getting your tips from porn then you need more help than this blog can possibly provide. So instead of swinging from the chandelier maybe you’ll dangle from the deck. That’s cool too.  The vision for your sex life needs to be obtainable and sustainable. It doesn’t need to read like an erotic novel, unless you want it to that is.

Have fun when you’re creating and maintaining the vision for your sex life.  Be imaginative. Relax your inhibitions, boundaries and need to control everything! Be adventurous, spontaneous and take some risks. If this is something you feel you can’t do with your spouse then you may want to ask yourself why you married them.

NIKE definitely has it right. JUST DO IT! 

Nikkole Amen-Ra

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